Absolut Gin
by Nara Merald
Summary: Only one thing could bring Kira, Zaraki, Kuchiki Byakuya, Yachiru, Abarai, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Hisagi, Hinamori, Nemu and Mayuri to gossip together: An incredible, inexplicable phenomenon affecting all who reside within the Gotei 13...


**Absolut Gin**  
By Nara Occult

**Summary:** Only one thing could bring Kira, Zaraki, Kuchiki Byakuya, Yachiru, Abarai, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Hisagi, Hinamori, Nemu and Mayuri to gossip together: An incredible, inexplicable phenomenon affecting all who reside within the Gotei 13... the facial features of Ichimaru Gin.

**Disclaimer: **AU. Randomness. Aizen, Gin and Tousen aren't evil yet.  
I do not own nor profit from Bleach... or Yachiru would be mine!  
Co-written with, or rather ideas bounced off of _scarletfeline73_.

**Absolut Gin**

"I hate everything about him." Renji said flatly, staring at the other Captains and Vice Captains and explaining exactly how he felt about Ichimaru Gin.

"Fukutaicho Abarai!" Kira gasped in outrage.

"Yay! CreepySmile always looks like his face is frozen!" Yachiru cheered.

"CreepySmile?" Kira gaped.

"I did always find that a little strange that his expression never changed." Hinamori granted.

"Didn't you?" Hitsugaya asked Kira.

"Taicho! I…he…you…" Kira stammered.

"Too damn sneaky." Zaraki growled.

Ichimaru Gin walked in; his grinning face turned towards the group as if he knew exactly what they were talking about, and sat on the opposite side of the room.

"I've known Gin all my life… and never seen the smile vanish. It just dims or brightens." Matsumoto mused.

Hinamori shuddered. "It's like it's… an undead smile."

"Baka! There's no such thing as an undead smile!" Hitsugaya hit her on the head.

"Shiro-chan!" Hinamori protested, as Kira took the time to discreetly study his captain. Admittedly, the smile was …disturbing…

"It took me a while to get used to his smiles…" Kira admitted.

"There's so many of them." Matsumoto agreed.

"CreepySmile's face doesn't work the same as ours!" Yachiru nodded wisely.

"You've got to watch the eyes." Hisagi mentioned helpfully, butting into their debate.

"Yes, when the smile is strained…" Kira began.

"His eyebrows draw together and his eyes get even more squinty." Matsumoto finished.

"And what's with that? Does he even have eyes?" Renji spat disgustedly, watching Gin smile straight ahead, Uohana talking to Isane next to him.

"Even in the strongest of battles, he does not blink, and the smile does not twitch." Byakuya added in, from next to Hisagi. Renji gave Byakuya an incredulous look, the stoic noble deigning to gossip with them was not a usual occurrence.

"I too, am curious about the state of his face." Byakuya stated by way of explanation.

"I… err… right." Renji shook his head, before turning earnestly back to the discussion at hand.

"Wouldn't a distinct lack of sight impede his fighting abilities?" Hisagi continued, watching Ichimaru thoughtfully.

"Maybe one of the abilities of his Zanpakto gives him another sight sense, or sonar, like bats?" Hinamori suggested.

"I don't think so, Hinamori Fukutaicho." Kira shook his head slightly, as Hinamori became more determined to find out what was wrong.

"I don't think you'll be in luck." Said the quite voice of Nemu, Mayuri's assistant.

"And why is that?" Byakuya answered for the group, who turned to face the newcomer.

"My master has already asked Ichimaru Taicho for approval to study him, and has been denied." Nemu revealed calmly.

"HA HA HA" Renji burst out laughing. From across the room Soi Fong stared at them.

"You… wanted to … _study_ Ichimaru Taicho?!" Kira questioned incredulously.

"He he he…His face is quite the interesting anomaly." Mayuri said, coming to stand with Nemu.

"I… Isn't that going a little far, Taicho?" Matsumoto asked in surprise.

"According to research, over seven out of 10 people believe that he is the express manifestation of a make believe tale." Mayuri informed them.

"Which tale?" Hitsugaya questioned, all captains and vice captains dumbfounded.

"It is a tale that tells that when someone wears a strange expression, if the wind changes direction, that person's face is stuck in that expression for life." Nemu answered.

"Of course!," Yachiru clapped, "CreepySmile got stuck when the wind changed!"

The others wanted to point out that that didn't make any sense at all, but one look at Zaraki Kenpachi's murderous face convinced them just to nod and smile.

"Did Maskhead's face get stuck in the wind too?" Yachiru asked Mayuri curiously. Byakuya choked. Hinamori froze. Hitsugaya's eyes widened. Hisagi made a curious whimpering noise. Zaraki glared protectively. Kira's hand went over his mouth… and Renji burst out laughing.

"No." Mayuri snapped.

"Oh." Yachiru's face fell, disappointed.

"It's not… natural." Hinamori continued, shuddering.

"Foxface just ain't natural at all." Renji muttered.

"Some have said these aren't either, but they are!" Matsumoto wisely indicated her bulging cleavage, lifting her breasts up and down a little in contemplation. Hitsugaya ground his teeth, distracting Matsumoto.

"Surely he wouldn't have deliberately developed that expression?" Byakuya mused.

"It might be his equivalent of a poker face... It's hard to tell what he's thinking." Hisagi put forward.

"Have any of you ever seen his eyes open?" Nemu asked curiously.

A chorus of "…no…" reached her to her disappointment, Zaraki's having been a grunt of disgust, with Yachiru looking thoughtful from her perch on his shoulder.

"Can Whimpygirl do CreepySmile's face?" Yachiru turned to Kira excitedly, who bristled at his nickname, but said nothing… possibly due to Zaraki's presence.

"I don't know." Kira admitted grudgingly.

"Try, Try!" Yachiru clapped excitedly.

"Take records!" Mayuri slapped Nemu as everyone leaned towards Kira, who looked at Zaraki and figured he'd give it a try; his life was at stake- pride be damned. Kira concentrated, and then scrunched his face, closed his eyes and stretched his mouth, opening it a little. Utter silence reigned.

"Kira Fukutaicho… do you need to go to the toilet?" Hinamori asked in puzzlement.

"No, Hinamori-kun." Kira sighed and gave up.

"…You did look like you needed to." Renji backed Hinamori up. Matsumoto nodded.

"I don't need to! Why don't you try and imitate Ichimaru Taicho then?" Kira looked slightly annoyed.

"Maybe I will!" Renji declared. Byakuya sighed in resignation at having his Fukutaicho make an ass of himself.

Renji fell into deep concentration, reaching inwards for his Zen balance… or whatever would mutate his face sufficiently to warp it into the singular entity known as Ichimaru Gin's sly grin. The group around him held their collective breath and leaned in, Nemu's furiously scribbling pen coming to a halt as Renji twitched and unveiled his masterpiece.

"GAH!" Hitsugaya fell off of his chair.

"Ano… Renji Fukutaicho…" Hinamori began with a wince.

Kira burst out laughing and Byakuya simply put his head in his hands .Zaraki Kenpachi burst into a loud guffaw, as Nemu looked curiously to Yachiru, who was staring at the sky… or more precisely, a flag on a rooftop.

"What is it, Yachiru Fukutaicho?" Nemu asked, pen poised, staring curiously at the pink haired midget.

"Oooh, Textahead doesn't know the wind just changed!" Yachiru laughed and pulled Renji's face, trying to change his expression. Renji screamed in terror at his frozen facial expression as Nemu wrote furiously and Mayuri leaned in. Chaos reigned as the group tried to control their reactions ranging from awe to horror to abject amazement.

Ichimaru Gin looked over at Renji from across the room in curiosity.

"My, my, well what's got inta him?"

* * *

**A/N:**  
Well there you go, our explanation for the creepy entity that is Gin's smile. People have asked me what Renji's facial expression was, but I thought it would be more fun for people to imagine it themselves.  
I was disappointed to find NO Gin humour, which is why I wrote this story, and I found there seems to be quite the demand for it!  
So why don't you review, if you liked it :D It would make my day!  
xoxo Nara Occult 

P.S.

Keep your eyes peeled for our next collaboration, tentatively titled "Kisses, Hugs and Hands down your Pants: A diary of courage and bravery by Ichinose Maki" (who has to be the most pathetically emo character in Bleach, honestly!)


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